Sometimes, It Hurts

There's still hope? I don't know.

My instincts are never wrong but something is amiss. We barely talk although we did patch things up, or at least we tried to. Someone came up to me and said "At the rate you guys are going, I'll give you four months max before either of you break down." I was scared.

I was at the edge of breaking down. And it wasn't because of a silly party. He knows it. I think its the fear of losing each other. I think its the distance. I think its the insecurity and the trust. That is the f***ed up thing about knowing his past.

I try to control myself but its easier said than done. Alcohol has been the best solution thus far. Not a good idea but it helps me with my sleep. No pain, no tears. When I get up the next morning, its all back to square one.

Holidays are approaching. I'll be alone in Bristol. I respected his decision to not go down to London. Fine. I'm just holding on to whatever I can. I am.

I'll make a deal. In a week's time, I shall stop with the alcohol.. No, make that two weeks. Its Xmas next week and the best way is to just get myself wasted in my room.

Its funny how you could sleep soundly every night. Do you ever think of me? Because I know I do think of you before dozing off. Perhaps, I'm the weird one. I practically refresh your Facebook page and this blog every hour, waiting to read something about me.. about us.. our pictures.. Realise how everything's changed with a blink of an eye?

Mum and Dad asked me if I'm fine. I lied. My girlfriends here asked me if I'm fine and they caught me lying just by looking into my eyes. Have you ever asked me if I was? When was the last time you asked me all these questions? Try putting yourself in my position.

Maybe you are busy with applying for jobs, I don't know. Maybe you are busy with your friends since they are back in BP, I don't know. Maybe you are busy painting the walls, I don't know. Maybe you are hiding something, I don't know. I'm trying to look at the brighter side but nothing appears.

I try telling you how I feel at times but you are just not getting it. Do you even know what happened to me yesterday? How about today in Uni? Last week? Ask yourself! I think you think that I'm immature, I'm sorry I've much to go through. The pictures you see shows that I'm just a good actress.

Whatever I'm typing now doesn't make sense but you get the idea. Its not an essay so f*** the coherency part.

I may appear to be tough at times but deep down, I can be very fragile.

I am really holding on to whatever I can because sometimes, it hurts.

xoxo, -carmen-